Category: Grief

I am ashamed of myself.

What was I thinking??? I know my little Kaiden loves agility! I know my little Kaiden loves to please!

I also know, that as confident as he is on the course typically running – my little Kaiden is “soft” so to speak (which means if he thinks he has done something wrong – which includes disappointing you he “shuts down”… he goes very very slow!).

So the day before – we were trialing and lost two runs (not qualifying) because he did not hit the yellow down contact on the A-Frame. He knows he is to come all the way down… and didn’t. On the way home – I was very overbearing… very loud (in both words and tone). Little Kaiden just sat in his crate and listened. Quite frankly – he may or may not have known why I was upset; on why I had him in the crate (where normally he rides with me).

It took me about 20 miles before I started to reflect and feel badly over my behaviors. He’s my little boy… the one who has stayed with me through thick and thin… the one who comes and cuddles when I am sad… the one who sings back when I sing to him. He’s my little boy… I spoke to him softly and petted him gently. I apologized.

They say dogs know when you apologize to them… when you are sorry for something. I believe they do as he responded with soft talking to me.

So we got home… went to the field and played ball. He looked for deer and enjoyed his life as a dog. I brought out the little A-frame and we practiced some five or six times… celebrating big time each time (because of course he hit the contact each time!). Two hours later – we did the same – out to the field for some play and then to the A-frame for four or five times. Finally an hour and a half later – we did it again. Each time… he did it right. Each time I was thinking – why did I act the way I did when all I needed to do was to come home and just show him what I needed him to do with the ultimate comment in my head, “For God’s sake – it’s JUST a Q!”

Kaiden’s errors were really on me though… Kaiden’s actions are the result of training. Kaiden’s actions are a result of what I have allowed.

You know… I know that he doesn’t really know or care if he qualifies or not. He just wants to run with me. He wants to be on the course… jumping and weaving! He wants to see me excited at the end of the run so he can celebrate our teamwork. Honestly though… he has “saved” me on the course more times than I can remember… late calls, late crosses, no commands at all. He corrects me with barking (on or off the course) for 2 seconds and then moves on. When finished – he looks at me with love.

Well – I thought I had made repairs to our relationship by the end of the night. I found though that what I did ultimately was to damage his confidence. I made him worry about what he was doing. The first run of the day, it became clear what I had done. It made me so very very sad and reminded me of the power of words and tone.

Kaiden LOVES his weaves… I mean just loves them!! He’s very good at them too! The run below shows what I had done to his confidence. I was able to do a lead out followed by a backside to the weaves. He entered the weaves very well and very quickly. I knew he had them and looked down stream at the next two obstacles I was concerned about… never making eye contact with him or talking to him in the weaves (“Come on weaver – weave!!”) after he entered. He looks at me at pole six as if to say – “Am I doing this right?” I didn’t see it as I wasn’t paying attention to the next two obstacles (until after I saw the video) and he slowed way down and eventually came out at pole 11. We regrouped and did spectacularly on the rest of the course.

We ended up q-ing only once that day. I didn’t care though as I was running with my little buddy. I am sorry little Kaiden. I love you so and will try never to do that again to you. I MUST keep the proper perspective. I MUST remember all the things WE do right and write down the things we need to work on – the things WE need to improve on. You are my partner… my team mate. You are my heart… you are my soul. I love you so Courageous Kaiden! Please forgive me!